With my social anxiety as it stands, dancing in front of an audience (no matter what size) was possibly the most terrifying thing I have ever done, especially as it could not have been rehearsed with an audience as it would have ruined the effect of improvised movement.
The tape and masses of printed writings surrounding me acted as a barrier between me in my bedroom and the audience in the gallery. Audience members were able to pick up the various pieces of writings from the barrier but were not able to pass the barrier to interact with me or my space.
Throughout the performance, audience members and I made eye contact but not direct verbal or physical contact. The headphones that the audience and I wore, enabled both parties to connect through words and sight without complete interaction. The music drowned out any verbal communication, replicated in what I do as a coping mechanism (playing happy music loudly to drown out the negativity). As well as the disassociation and disconnection from society that people with anxiety and/or depression have (I’m not speaking for everyone, just myself and a few people I know who struggle with connecting).
The music I used for the silent disco headphones was what I would usually listen to in my bedroom, the same music that would lift my mood because of the upbeat rhythms and catchy lyrics.
The exhibits were a mixture of canvases and structures. The canvases had pieces printed and written on them, and the structures were made of different things associated with content of the pieces. A piece called Expiry Date was made up of empty milk bottles hanging from strings, each bottle had a different part of the writing on and audience members were able to move/turn the bottles or move themselves to see all of the piece. When I first saw all the exhibits placed in the studio everything seemed busy, odd, and out of place, but the unique handmade pieces reflect a lot of what I have : sentimentality, creativity, weirdness/strangeness.
The feedback from audience members has been extremely helpful and heartwarming. Many audience member spent a great amount of time within the space, not only reading and interacting with the exhibitions but picking up various writings that were scattered on the floor, as well as sitting and standing around the space I was dancing in.
I have always found writing about my emotions, thoughts, problems, and opinions extremely helpful when dealing with difficult situations. Printing out all my writings and specifically exhibiting the ones that were from the most influential and damaging events on my life, brought an emotionally intense atmosphere to the room. A lot of my audience members had told me I was brave for being so open about my life and had even cried during the performance. I especially became extremely emotional when I could see my family members and close friends reading and finding out about my most vulnerable moments without them at university.
The long duration of my piece allowed for shifts in my mood and atmosphere of the room (as I had predicted), it was very easy to shift emotions, feeling alone in a crowded room of people who can’t hear one another.
Throughout the whole module I knew the basics of my solo show, hanging my creative writings and dancing to my favourite music. Influenced by a former student’s show, I wanted to feel an overwhelming sense of relief by letting out everything I have ever kept in. I wanted my final performance to be completely honest, showing myself as a student, performer, and performer. I really feel like I achieved that.
